Songs From The Academician – PT Eleven

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Both me and Darren sit at the table in his kitchen, drinking tea. Everything is racing through my mind, like how will I start? How will I end?

“Listen Lucy, if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to.” He states, reaching for my hand over the table. “I don’t want to force you to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

“No I want to.” I say.

After thinking everything through, I drink my tea and set it down on the table. Only Jessica knows and now Darren will. Telling Darren about what happened in my past, really tells me a lot about how much I trust him. So here it goes.

“When I was eight years old, my mother died in a head on collision. She was thrown through the window shield, dying instantly. All she was doing was just going to pick up a birthday present for me, that’s what my father had told me that morning when I woke up and she was gone.”

“A semi ran a red light because he was apparently ‘running late for a store drop-off’. Well there my mom was in a little Honda Fit, driving through a green light. The semi hot my mothers car, which flipped over many, many times as the people saw.”

“The hospital couldn’t do anything because she was already dead, the paramedics just thought they could magically bring her back to life even though she was already dead on the spot.”

“Now my father and mother were so in love with each other, they did everything together and when I said everything, I meant everything. They went to the store, the neighbors house, they even followed each other around the house because they couldn’t stand not being together.”

“But my father was still sleeping when she had went, she had just left a note by the nightstand in their bedroom. She just didn’t want to wake him up.”

“When my father found out what had happened, he blamed me for my mothers death. He went into a depressed state, and obviously I did too but I was just a little kid, I didn’t really understand what had happened.”

“After a few weeks of my mothers death, my father stayed in his room, he drank and became an alcoholic, he even tried killing himself because of it.”

“Everyday I heard ‘it’s your fault she’s dead’. All she was doing was just getting me a birthday present, who knew that that would’ve happened. Did I mention that she died on my birthday? That’s even more shitty to think about. Also, when I started growing up and when he would tell me that it was my fault, I wouldn’t listen to him because I know it wasn’t my fault and anything can happen in life. So I never really blame myself sometimes, but I do once in a while.”

“A few months past, my father drank every night and he became a compete and utter drunk. He started beating me, so then I started to always have bruises over my body.”

“The teachers were always asking me how I got them and I just shrugged my shoulders. It got even worse when they called a child’s social worker on my dad at the school, he started beating me even more after that.”

“I don’t quite remember anything after that, I only remember him beating me when I was little, there were no more happy times with my father, it was only pain.”

“So then a life savior came along in my life which was Jessica , she helped me through the hard times. When he would beat me, I ran to Jessica ‘s house in the middle of the night because she was the only one who knew about my father abusing me.”

“My relationships never lasted with guys because my father would make them run off, scared as hell. So I never had the experience with anyone because of my father.”

“The day I graduated, I left. I had my bags packed already, I took all the money my mother had left me in MY savings so I could make it through life and pay for college. I didn’t tell my father I left, I just left right after I graduated.”

“Plus he was highly intoxicated, he didn’t even come to my graduation so what would’ve been the point of having him there or telling him. I didn’t talk to him until the day after I left Florida, which was the day I met you.”

“When I left, I could finally breathe. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me, besides you.”

I then realize that I’m bawling my eyes out, Darren comes over to me, bring his chair with him so that he’s closer to me. ” Lucy, I’m-” I interrupt him.

“Wait, I-I’m not finished.” I say wiping tears from my eyes, I take both of his hands and squeeze them.

“When I met you, my life drastically changed in so many ways, you made me forget about everything in the past. I only thought about it when my father would call me or try to get a hold of me. But when I’m with you, all that goes away and I’m finally happy.”

“I go to sleep thinking of you. I wake up thinking of you. Whatever I do, I think of you. I just can’t seem to get you out of my goddamned mind.”

“And thinking about it now, I cannot tell you how much I am completely and helplessly in love with you.”

Those were the words I have been trying to say for months, ever since I met him and I finally just did.

“Lucy, you were like coming up for fresh air, I was drowning and you saved me and that’s why I love you more.” Darren says.

I sit there, staring at him, surprised that he’s in love with me too. I can’t talk, I can’t breathe, I can’t move, it’s like I’m frozen. He leans in and kiss me, and this kiss is by far different than all the other ones.

This kiss has pure passion, slow moving, and slow breathing. I’m still crying, I’m not sure as to why, but I can’t stop.

“Why are you crying?” He asks, wiping a tear away from my cheek as he sits back down on his chair.

“I don’t know.” I say, wiping tears away from eyes, finally calming down after a few seconds of sitting there.

“Listen Lucy, something we both have in common is a rough past.” He says. “You’re not the only one that went through hell.” He runs a hand through his hair.

“My father beat me as well, he also beat my mom and sister because he was a total drunk. My mother finally called the cops on him when he threatened to actually kill us, so he got taken to prison.”

“I don’t normally talk about it because I don’t think it’s something people would want to talk about, just like when you were saying you don’t talk about what has happened to you.”

Darren knows exactly what I went through, I’ve never met someone so understanding before. “Those scars on your back were from him, weren’t they?” I ask him.

“Yes, but a couple years back when I was about your age, I called him, I told him I’d forgive him and I believe that’s what I think you should do.” He says. “Because Lucy, if you don’t ever forgive him even though he didn’t say sorry, it’ll stay with you forever.” He continues. “I was listening to the lady when you were on the phone with her, he was asking for you.”

I nod. “Yes he was.” Tears are once again swelling up in my eyes.

“Your father has been in deep pain for years, he hasn’t been comforted, not saying that you should have comforted him in anyway because of what he did, but the drinking became his friend. So that’s why he did what he did.”

I’ve never really thought of that before. My father didn’t have any friends, his only friend was my mother since they were never apart from each other.

I can’t believe I’m actually debating on whether to forgive him, maybe it would be a good idea and it’d maybe finally get off my chest. All these years of getting abused by my father, I’m probably going to forgive him.

Maybe that was a sign that my father wanted to say sorry if he was asking for me. What the hell am I going to do?

I nod my head at him, still thinking about what I’m going to do.

After a few minutes of thinking, I’ve come to my answer. “If you think it’s a good idea, then fuck it I’ll do it, but in a few days once he’s able to talk.” I say, taking a deep breath.

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